The Mirror and I – Why the Self Sabotage?
A FRAGMENT OF SELF LOST & FOUND
Why do I hate what that mirror shows me so much, why do I always have to grab and focus on what I don’t like or feel should be better? Why am I unable to be happy with my present self, looking back at photos wishing if only I had appreciated what I had and loved myself then, I was beautiful, a wave of grief rises up within..
I see a picture of myself as a teenager, awkwardly posed in school uniform shyly smiling back at the camera, I see her wish to not be there, the unease of attention and capturing what she doesn’t wish to see and denies.
My first response is of disgust to throw away the picture, I do not wish to be reminded of her, such self-hate erupts from within me.
Upon reflection I recognise this is a moment to heal, to have nothing other than love for myself requires attention and compassion for self.
I see my teenage self, how I pushed her away and rejected her. This girl growing up, coming up into her space, yet denied in the shadows of herself, for fear of rejection and hurt. Like a mother to her child I see her beauty, her tenderness, her gentleness, her need for love, support and comfort. I love her unconditionally for simply being her.
She is lost at sea in her emotions, her world unstable through fear, she has no one else but herself, fragmented from self, shrouded in fear and self-hate.
She carries these heavy burdens emotionally and physically as a protective shield.
She eats to suppress the fear, to give a false comfort and reassurance, yet brings it back intentionally laced with guilt, shame and rejection.
I come to a space of forgiveness of self for hating her, for rejecting her, how could I have done this, so much self-hate, for she is a child searching for the nourishment of love?!
I thank her for her forgiveness, I vow never to hurt nor reject her again, to fully honour and respect every aspect of her.
In return I give her her voice, to truly speak without fear, to speak her needs, her desires, to know she is worthy of such, “your voice will never be unheard again, I will always listen”. I am her stability, the rock, the anchor she needs, the unconditional love to reconnect with our soul and spirit.
As she walks back towards me closing the vacuum that I have created, I hold her so tightly embraced to our heart, I cling to her like a mother bear to her cub with fierce protection and love, reassuring whispers to honour her beauty, tenderness and uniqueness, supporting her to see what I see, her beautiful powerful light, her radiance.
A golden white fusion lights up within our solar plexus, burning away fear, the cords that once constricted and separated ourselves in half, disconnected from self, our internal wisdom, our gut instinct. The flame of light alchemises the fears and hate to a white ash that floats gracefully to earth creating space to breathe.
A peace flows, an inner calm, the ebb and fall of one’s breath, a gentle rocking of self-assurance.
Stood at shore, we observe the sun rise on the horizon, spreading and rippling its golden warmth across the pathways to our stomach, heart and body as whole. The reflection of new beginnings as the light gently burns and clears away the mist of mind, bringing clarity of thought and vision.
Hand in hand we step up and into our power, open our arms, our hearts as sails fill with the gentle breeze, an air and strength of self-love and acceptance, elevating us to oceans of new.
A knowing smile is exchanged, filled with curiosity and wonder, our inner child joins in buzzing with joy and excitement, we love her unrestrained enthusiasm, creating laughter and moments when my teenage self is free immersed in childlike play, happy with no expectation of self, simply being her.
Thus a bond of joy and love-an inner peace and strength is formed never to be fragmented and lost again!
